This was really way harder than I expected. It is still hard to put all of those/these feeling into words but I do want to write about it and this is something I could put off forever.
Losing Penny was definitely one of the hardest things we've been through. But after it's all said and done I know that I felt God's presence and comfort all around us.
I found out I was pregnant again on August 8th. I was happy, please don't hear that I wasn't. But i was feeling really unsure. I did not know how I felt, I felt nervous and unsure. I was really feeling like I could not let myself get attached to this baby in fear of losing this one too. I felt like everyone needed to just pray constantly for the entire 9 months so that nothing bad could happen, but at the same exact time I didn't want to tell a single sole. Because telling someone would entail them most likely them being super excited! And well...I just wasn't there yet.
We did tell our close friends and family. I have mentioned this before but we have never wanted to do the whole wait 12 weeks things to tell anyone so you are sure everything will go ok. We tell people so that they can pray for us and stand with us no matter what happens. I would rather tell someone early and that person celebrate with us. and if it comes to it they can also mourn with us. I don't like never getting to celebrate a life. I see both sides especially after losing a baby. But bottom line I think every life deserves to be celebrated.
At first I set up a safety net for myself. I said after we go to the Dr. (usually around 10ish weeks) and see everything going smoothly then I can be excited. We had our first dr.'s appt set and we were going to see a midwife this time. Fear had a grip on my life that I've never experienced any other time. I was completely and utterly terrified to go. I could only think of all the what ifs.... what if this pregnancy doesn't work out? What if we lose this baby too? God, please see my heart! God, I can NOT do this again! The enemy had a hold of my heart and I couldn't get free. The night before I was just being awful to Jordan. He finally asked if I was worried about the next day and I broke down I think I cried the whole night, and couldn't sleep and continued into the next day. I felt so scared.
If anyone has ever experienced anything like this I am sure you can understand that fear. But I don't want you to focus on the fear. Fear is straight from the enemy. Trust God. He does know your heart!
Losing Penny was definitely one of the hardest things we've been through. But after it's all said and done I know that I felt God's presence and comfort all around us.
I found out I was pregnant again on August 8th. I was happy, please don't hear that I wasn't. But i was feeling really unsure. I did not know how I felt, I felt nervous and unsure. I was really feeling like I could not let myself get attached to this baby in fear of losing this one too. I felt like everyone needed to just pray constantly for the entire 9 months so that nothing bad could happen, but at the same exact time I didn't want to tell a single sole. Because telling someone would entail them most likely them being super excited! And well...I just wasn't there yet.
We did tell our close friends and family. I have mentioned this before but we have never wanted to do the whole wait 12 weeks things to tell anyone so you are sure everything will go ok. We tell people so that they can pray for us and stand with us no matter what happens. I would rather tell someone early and that person celebrate with us. and if it comes to it they can also mourn with us. I don't like never getting to celebrate a life. I see both sides especially after losing a baby. But bottom line I think every life deserves to be celebrated.
At first I set up a safety net for myself. I said after we go to the Dr. (usually around 10ish weeks) and see everything going smoothly then I can be excited. We had our first dr.'s appt set and we were going to see a midwife this time. Fear had a grip on my life that I've never experienced any other time. I was completely and utterly terrified to go. I could only think of all the what ifs.... what if this pregnancy doesn't work out? What if we lose this baby too? God, please see my heart! God, I can NOT do this again! The enemy had a hold of my heart and I couldn't get free. The night before I was just being awful to Jordan. He finally asked if I was worried about the next day and I broke down I think I cried the whole night, and couldn't sleep and continued into the next day. I felt so scared.
If anyone has ever experienced anything like this I am sure you can understand that fear. But I don't want you to focus on the fear. Fear is straight from the enemy. Trust God. He does know your heart!
The Lord is my light and my salvation-
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life-
of whom shall I be afraid?
Psalm 27:1
Just remind yourself, and when you can't even listen to yourself or can't even say the words, have people around you to remind you of truth. We had friends reminding us of this daily. But you have to let them in. The enemies voice only gets louder when you isolate yourself. Let your friends and your husband in to remind you of what is true.
Pregnancy after losing a child is hard. I'm not here to tell you it's not, but you will make it. Hold on to hope. Hold onto God's righteousness and goodness. Hold on to eternity because there will get to be with our God and our babies.
And our story is turning out to be good :) This babe is healthy and active and moving around. But no matter how your story is unfolding God already know the outcome. Try not to worry. We gain nothing from worrying, and this life seems so so long sometimes but it's not. You'll make it!
