Miscarriage Sucks. Part 2: Our daughter Penny.

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life.

I had no idea, it straight up blind sided me. It swooped in and took everything out of me.

Lord, I need you right now.This scripture has been on my heart, I wrote it to put in my house, I also sent it to a friend and then today my lovely sister in law sent it to me too

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

I decided to have a natural miscarriage at home.

What I thought was going to happen:

I thought it was going to be like an intense period

I knew stuff would be coming out, I knew I would see bit and pieces of the amniotic sac, tissue,                clots, blood, baby parts
Semi intense cramping
If it didn't start on its own, I would need medicine
Some women who are farther along deliver, and may even see the baby

What actually happened:

It started like a period
Day 2: I started having serious cramping (like I would have imagined) it actually kept me awake through the night

If that had gone on loner I seriously would have made the Dr. give me some pain meds
Day 3: I was still having intense cramping and bleeding. But by mid day it was different and worse. I came home from the store crying. I laid in bed for several hours. It felt like contractions  (not like I really know because I've never birthed a live baby) It definately was contractions I later found out. But I had NO idea that I could even have contractions when I was having a miscarriage.

My contractions lasted about a minute and were a few minutes apart. I don't know exactly the times.

My water broke.

It hurt so bad. Seriously, I was rolling around the bathroom floor.

I delivered the entire amniotic sac. 

In the sac was our baby.

After all that, I felt so much relief not emotionally or spiritually I'm strictly saying physical relief. Like I would imagine you feel when you push your live baby out and get to hold him or her for the first time.

I had to push out lots of other tissue and clots.

It was a serious mess.

I bled for 2 weeks straight.

Why am I writing this?

I am writing this for many reasons. I am writing this because I had no idea what was happening to me. I felt prepared (as prepared as I could be) to birth a child when the time came. I have read countless books and blogs about child birth. Both the celebrations and the disgusting details. If I hadn't found blogs while I was rolling around on the floor, I sorta thought I was dying, I wouldn't have had a clue what was happening to me. Blogs have seriously helped me through this process. I have seen other peoples raw emotion, what they were going through and what they were feeling. I read about couples and their stories both Godly people and not spiritual at all. I don't know how I could have made it through this without with strength, power, grace, and love of God. But that's for another day.

Ladies, if you have had a miscarriage. There is NOTHING you can do or could have done to change it. God is not getting back you or punishing you for something you have done. God is a God of love, and mercy, he does not "get back" at people, nothing surprises him. And as much as this all  sucks and it hurts. We can rest assured, our baby is sitting on the lap of Jesus. Our baby never had to feel the hurt and struggle through this broken world. If you have had a friend who has had a miscarriage, hug her. Love her, tell her you love her baby and that you can't wait to meet him or her in heaven.

I do not understand why miscarriage is something we never talk about. It happens so often! Why don't we tell each other and dream together and cry and mourn together. There is nothing to be ashamed of. So we are writing our story, our story of our daughter Penny, so that people can know her beautiful name! And so that this is something we can bring into the light. The other night I was talking to a lady close to me and while we were talking and I asked her why she thought we don't talk about miscarriage and this is the answer I have got from her and so many people. They say "its personal" "people don't want to intrude". And ya know, I get it but isn't Cancer personal? Isn't birth personal, yet I have read and heard of many stories telling me how she ripped all the way to her butt hole. Isn't losing a family member personal? Isn't losing a child at any age personal? 

Yes! They all are!! But we still talk about them.

We had a baby, a baby girl, we haven't met her yet. We haven't got to hold her in our arms yet, or kiss her. Her name is Penny. She is with Jesus. She sits on God's lap and plays at His feet.

Don't be afraid to talk about miscarriage. Its real. It's real hurt. It's real loss.

And with all that we need real friends. We need real family. We need real prayer. 

And we need a real God to carry us through all of this. He will. And He does, all you have to do is ask.

Miscarriage Sucks.

We were pregnant. We had a miscarriage.

We have had so so many emotions. It felt really surreal and it sort of still does. The dr. was really stoic, she didn't really say much she said its not our fault, thers nothing we could have done to prevent this, it happens to 1 in 5 pregnancies. that is 20%, yes twenty percent .

One thing that has been on my mind in the days that have followed is if it happens to so so many women. Then why is this something we don't talk about? Why is this a battle we choose to fight on our own, in hiding and not have support?

Prior to getting pregnant and in the weeks that we have known we obviously were ecstatic! So so excited to have a baby! I wrote an earlier blog all about that. But one thing we talked about before all of this was telling people, we know that the "thing" to do is wait. Wait until you are in your 2nd trimester, wait until you see your baby is healthy and normal and growing. Wait and bottle up all of that excitement and joy and everything! We know and have lots of friends who went this route, the route is great and one is not better than the other by any means. We decided that we were going to tell people, tell our friends and our family the good news! We found out we were prego on Feb 2nd. At that time we thought we were about 4 weeks along. I honesty do not know how couples decide to not tell for so long! Within 2 hours we had asked our best friends to breakfast and shared with them lol

We decided not to wait to tell people for many reasons, and this is something I think God led us to because I am so so happy we have had support though this process. Our thoughts were that no matter what happened we would want peoples support and prayers. We wanted prayers for a healthy and successful pregnancy, once we found out things were not looking right we asked for prayers of healing and believing for a miracle, and now we have asked for prayers for Gods peace to be over and also just friends to help us process and mourn the loss of our baby.

Miscarriage.

When I heard and found out this would be our reality I didn't even know what that looked like or even meant. I felt like it was another thing being added to our story. But what does miscarriage look like??

I'm still learning but this is what is going on: 

For us our pregnancy made it to the right spot, we saw the baby in my uterus. The baby was growing, there was an amniotic sac all that...

At about 10 weeks we found out that there was indeed a pregnancy, but things did not look "right" we saw the baby but we also saw that the amniotic sac was mis-shappen and "wrinkled". The amniotic sac for a perfect pregnancy is supposed to be perfect and round.

For 2 weeks we prayed, we prayed for a miricle, for healing, for God's grace and that His will be done.

When I would have been 12 weeks we went back to the dr. we had another ultra sound. We saw that we would be having a miscarriage. We saw the amniotic sac was disconnecting from the wall of my uterus.

We had a few options:

-Schedule a DNC which is where they go in and scrape out your uterus. 

-Let me body naturally take care of it, this means passing everything. Its like having a period but not really a period because you are passing your pregnancy and everything that was in there like the amniotic sac, the placenta, whatever there was of a baby. It hurts.

-You can also get medicine to induce miscarriage. We haven't done this but its something I am praying against, Im praying that my body does everything naturally. With the medicine it makes it more painful.

We are trying to let my body take care of it naturally. I have not started bleeding. I am dreading and scared of that day and that moment. If it doesn't start there is a possibility that I would have to get that medicine. Even after all that theres a chance I'd still have to get a DNC if everything is not out.

This process hurts, its completely heartbreaking. I feel no different, I wish there was a sign that I could have known this was coming. Everytime I have a cramp I am reminded of what is to come, every time I go to the bathroom I am scared of what I might find.

But listen people and friends. We are still normal, we are still Jordan and Michelle. We still cherish our friends and our relationships. We are not going into hiding. Don't be afraid to ask questions, we won't be mad or hurt. Talk to us like we're normal people. It sounds crazy but it sometimes feel like people don't know what to do with us anymore, like we are tainted. 

Women! Don't be afraid to share your struggles. Get support. Talking about it makes it better. Don't hold it all in.

Husbands! It is ok to cry. It is ok to not feel strong. It is ok to not be in control of everything. Hand it over to God. He will give you the strength. 

Husbands and Wives: God is mourning with you. Cry, cry, cry. Weep and mourn together. Don't bottle it up! These emotions and feeling are real and ok to be feeling all this. It hurts. This situation sucks and its stupid. But hold on to truth and surround yourselves with people who love you and care for you. Don't be afraid to ask for help. We may not know now or ever know why, but in eternity you will meet your beautiful baby! They get to be on the lap of Jesus. They will not know hurt and they will not have to ever struggle. But you will make it out of this.

This is not final.

We are pregnant! Wait, we are pregnant?

So yes! You read that correctly we are having a baby!

 I feel so lucky, blessed. ecstatic, dumbfounded, honored, that our God, the Lord of the universe would allow us to shepherd one of His children.

We went to the dr. for the first time on March 18th. It was a monday, that morning we were feeling excited and in a sort of awe that we were going to the doctor because we were having a baby! Completely unbelievable.

So we go in, they were really sweet. The doctor was really nice. She was wearing like fancier clothes than I would imagine a dr. should wear to work. She didn't have a white doctor coat on. Her hair was blond and curled. Is it odd that I remember all that? Maybe one day when I tell my sweet baby this story, they'll think it's cute their mom rembered. Nah probably not, they'll probably just think their mom is crazy.

We went through all the questions and whatnot, and she was going to do an ultra sound. She asked me if I've had any complication? No. Any bleeding? No. She's looking at the screen. Idk what she looked like I was just feeling violated and awkward because she was doing an internal ultra sound. She asked again if I've had any bleeding. No. When was your last period? Christmas. Are you sure? Yes, I remember because I wanted to be pregnant by then and imagined all these cute ways of telling our families. I'm sure it was Christmas. I honestly didn't think of thing of this until later when I was rethinking how that whole thing went down. She turned the screen for me to see, she explained really sweetly that she was expecting me to be 10-12 weeks and what we should be looking at. Then explained thats not what we were looking at. She showed me the wrinkled amniotic sac. She showed me how she couldn't see a 10-12 week old baby. Then showed me she saw something small.

I had been preparing myself for this moment. I thought through my head many times what I would do, say, act like if the dr. told us bad news at our appointment. All I could think was, God is in control. God is good, His ways are above ours. He answered a prayer with this baby.

I looked at Jordan. He does not think through ridiculous scenarios like I do. He had not gone over in his head what he would act like. He looked so pale. He looked scared.

I just said ok to the dr like what she had said didn't even phase me.She explained that if we really were 10-12 weeks that things have gone wrong. Maybe my body just didn't know yet. Or there was a possibility that our calculations were wrong, maybe I ovulated late. It was a long shot but maybe I was only 6-8 weeks pregnant. I don't know if she really was but I just felt like she was staring at the cross necklace around my neck. Did she too think I was going crazy, or expected this, or did she know that I just trusted God. That He could get us through this.

We got blood work done, and planned to come back in 2 weeks.

Jordan didn't say a word. We walked out, and got into the elevator. I know that look he had on his face. I asked him how he was and he just said he was processing. I said everything was going to be fine. We talked about how I had found out 6 weeks ago that I was pregnant that I obviously had to be before that day for the test to be positive. We got in the car, and started driving. As I stared out the window I just started crying. Crying because I was just sad, and mad and confused. Crying just because we don't know and wouldn't know for 2 more weeks. Crying because I hate when Jordan feels and looks like that. Crying because even though I trust in God I couldn't do a thing about this stupid situation. I felt like I didn't want to tell a single soul that this was my situation and if I told anyone I would just start crying.

We went to lunch with our friends, and helped them with their car. We shared briefly what had happened, I was thankful they were praying with us. I wanted to be surrounded in prayer, but I didn't want to tell anyone. We were busy the whole day right after that we decided to go to our small group that night. Our good friends who lead had a similar situation with their daughter, when their sac was misshapen their doctor even advised to abort. And now they have a beautiful and perfect daughter. I was so thankful for them, for their experience and for their love. They said it was ok to cry, I was already crying but Jordan started to cry and that made me weep. I felt bad for making him be strong that whole day. The whole day when I was crying I didn't even think to comfort him. Our friends prayed over us, cried with us. We stood together believing for a miracle and trusting our heavenly father. Our group prayed over us and our baby.

We are praying for healing and believing for a miricle. We believe that we are in God's hands, he already knows the outcome. We feel His peace and outpouring love. We are standing in faith that he has created this baby and knows him or her, we pray that His will be done. That in a few months we too are holding a beautiful perfect baby. We are praying that in 2 weeks when we go back that the sac is perfectly round and that there is a healthy baby growing inside my womb.

**Obviously I did not post this right away, this was written on May 19th. You can now read the rest of our story in other posts

The hardest day of my existence

There's nothing more that I want in life than to be a parent. I feel that Michelle and I both were created to be many things, and one of the biggest of them is to be parents. We have an enormous desire to have children and to adopt children and feel that God has been preparing us for it for so long.

So what makes more sense than to try and have babies?!?! We had been trying to get pregnant for a few months and with nothing happening we were starting to get discouraged and started thinking that maybe something was wrong.

Amidst our doubt, we found out Michelle was pregnant on February 2nd and it was one of the happiest days of my life. I just wanted to tell everyone I knew. There was such joy during the next two months while we planned and dreamed about the day we'd meet our child.
During this time we prayed about the kind of parents God wanted us to be, the things we felt were important and just exactly what it means to bring life into this world. We don't know for sure, but I felt The Lord saying that it was going to be a girl. Everything was perfect. March 18th was our first appointment at around 10-12 weeks. We were ecstatic to finally be able to know that it was real and see our baby and hear her heart beat. I had never been so excited about anything in my life.

During the ultrasound the doctor started asking strange questions, and at that moment my heart may have stopped for a second. She said that there was a definite pregnancy but the amniotic sac was misshapen, and what we were seeing was abnormal for 10-12 weeks. there was no heartbeat.

We were in absolute shock, it was like we had walked into oncoming traffic. There were no signs that anything could have been wrong, how could anything be wrong??? We left that appointment feeling confused and crushed at the idea that something like this could be happening. We spent the next two weeks surrounded by our friends and family, praying for a miracle, hoping and thinking the best. This has to be some kind of mistake, a miscalculation. We had a second appointment April 1st to see the outcome.

We went into it very hopeful, knowing that things would be normal. This is it, we get a yes or a no. Never have I felt more nervous about something in my entire life. Each second on the clock was like an eternity waiting for the doctor. The doctor gave us no hope, I suppose to try and prepare us for the worst. The ultrasound showed the same as last, no heartbeat, and this time she saw the beginning stages of a miscarriage. A failed pregnancy. She informed us of our options, wanted an answer on the spot, then swiftly left the room, emotionless. Further deepening our feelings towards doctors.

There are no words to describe the variety of emotions that hit you all at one time in a situation like that. The first few days were an absolute mess. We couldn't do a thing. The thoughts start creeping in and you start thinking lies like "maybe this is my fault" "maybe God thinks I'm not ready to be a parent so He kept this child from us" "maybe this is some kind of payment for something I did wrong". All lies.

Thanks be to God that we have the people in our lives that we do. We have been nothing but loved and cared for in this time of trial and are standing strong on Gods promises.

On April 17th, 2013 we got to say hello, and goodbye to our baby girl Penelope. Michelle was in incredible pain for 3 days and had some contractions that led to, in essence, the birth of an amniotic sac with our tiny 12 week old baby inside. What do you say? What do you do? All the sudden it's 1000 x's more real and tangible than before. I have never felt true sorrow until now. We decided to name her Penelope. It was the first and only name we had and came to Michelle before we had even gotten pregnant. We spent the rest of the day in tears, talking about what she would have been like, the things she would have done.

We will never know her this side of eternity, but we know that there is blessing in the midst of anguish. Joy in the midst of sorrow. We may never be able to understand why things like this happen, but we have faith that it is Gods perfect will and in our best interest. And we have joy knowing that she is in the hands of our creator.

This isn't a secret. It's something that we want to talk about. Not ashamed of. Something we want to help others through. We've learned that this is an incredibly common occurrence...that no one seems to be ok with discussing. We talked to so many people that have gone through the same exact thing and had no idea that they had. If that's you we encourage you to share it, live it, let yourself be loved and surrounded by people that care. Don't just try to forget about it and move on. God puts us through these things for a reason and to not learn from or use your experience for good would be disappointing. That being said we have been and need to continue to be surrounded with love, prayers and encouragement and appreciate from the bottom of our hearts all of your support. This is not the end of our story, we are blessed beyond our comprehension and would love to talk with you about any or all of this.

Happy birthday to the most incredible human being there is

Michelle,
Where do I start???
I couldn't imagine life without you. You've changed me so much. You help me be the very best person that I can be. You help me realize and prioritize what's important in life, and have shared, supported and developed so many incredible passions in my life. You view the world and people so preciously and have the best perspectives on life.
I love the way you smile in any given situation.
I love being silly with you.
I love seeing your joy even when things are less than perfect.
I love your whole hearted trust and support. That no matter what I want to do you're always behind me without a question.
I love your spirit.
I love your passion for people and community.
I love that you challenge me to do things that I wouldn't do on my own.
I love that you give me freedom and really understand my needs.
Four years ago had someone told me how this was going to play out, there's no way in the world I would have believed it.
What a past year it has been. Let me just say it could have gone so much smoother and been so much easier...but I wouldn't give anything in the world to have it any other way. How much we've grown and grown up. You truly are a mirror of Gods love and peace. The memories we've made, good and bad, have shaped me into the man that I am today. I couldn't be more grateful to have you in my life. You are exactly the woman that you were created to be. The strongest girl I have ever known. And being able to share this journey, these experiences and this life with you is beyond an honor. We will go on to do a ton of awesome things, have tons of kids, and lots of friends. But I can honestly say that if the world ended tomorrow, the short time I was able to spend with you would be better than any alternative I could have ever lived on this planet. I love you with everything that I have. Happy birthday!

Jordan