Miscarriage Sucks.

We were pregnant. We had a miscarriage.

We have had so so many emotions. It felt really surreal and it sort of still does. The dr. was really stoic, she didn't really say much she said its not our fault, thers nothing we could have done to prevent this, it happens to 1 in 5 pregnancies. that is 20%, yes twenty percent .

One thing that has been on my mind in the days that have followed is if it happens to so so many women. Then why is this something we don't talk about? Why is this a battle we choose to fight on our own, in hiding and not have support?

Prior to getting pregnant and in the weeks that we have known we obviously were ecstatic! So so excited to have a baby! I wrote an earlier blog all about that. But one thing we talked about before all of this was telling people, we know that the "thing" to do is wait. Wait until you are in your 2nd trimester, wait until you see your baby is healthy and normal and growing. Wait and bottle up all of that excitement and joy and everything! We know and have lots of friends who went this route, the route is great and one is not better than the other by any means. We decided that we were going to tell people, tell our friends and our family the good news! We found out we were prego on Feb 2nd. At that time we thought we were about 4 weeks along. I honesty do not know how couples decide to not tell for so long! Within 2 hours we had asked our best friends to breakfast and shared with them lol

We decided not to wait to tell people for many reasons, and this is something I think God led us to because I am so so happy we have had support though this process. Our thoughts were that no matter what happened we would want peoples support and prayers. We wanted prayers for a healthy and successful pregnancy, once we found out things were not looking right we asked for prayers of healing and believing for a miracle, and now we have asked for prayers for Gods peace to be over and also just friends to help us process and mourn the loss of our baby.

Miscarriage.

When I heard and found out this would be our reality I didn't even know what that looked like or even meant. I felt like it was another thing being added to our story. But what does miscarriage look like??

I'm still learning but this is what is going on: 

For us our pregnancy made it to the right spot, we saw the baby in my uterus. The baby was growing, there was an amniotic sac all that...

At about 10 weeks we found out that there was indeed a pregnancy, but things did not look "right" we saw the baby but we also saw that the amniotic sac was mis-shappen and "wrinkled". The amniotic sac for a perfect pregnancy is supposed to be perfect and round.

For 2 weeks we prayed, we prayed for a miricle, for healing, for God's grace and that His will be done.

When I would have been 12 weeks we went back to the dr. we had another ultra sound. We saw that we would be having a miscarriage. We saw the amniotic sac was disconnecting from the wall of my uterus.

We had a few options:

-Schedule a DNC which is where they go in and scrape out your uterus. 

-Let me body naturally take care of it, this means passing everything. Its like having a period but not really a period because you are passing your pregnancy and everything that was in there like the amniotic sac, the placenta, whatever there was of a baby. It hurts.

-You can also get medicine to induce miscarriage. We haven't done this but its something I am praying against, Im praying that my body does everything naturally. With the medicine it makes it more painful.

We are trying to let my body take care of it naturally. I have not started bleeding. I am dreading and scared of that day and that moment. If it doesn't start there is a possibility that I would have to get that medicine. Even after all that theres a chance I'd still have to get a DNC if everything is not out.

This process hurts, its completely heartbreaking. I feel no different, I wish there was a sign that I could have known this was coming. Everytime I have a cramp I am reminded of what is to come, every time I go to the bathroom I am scared of what I might find.

But listen people and friends. We are still normal, we are still Jordan and Michelle. We still cherish our friends and our relationships. We are not going into hiding. Don't be afraid to ask questions, we won't be mad or hurt. Talk to us like we're normal people. It sounds crazy but it sometimes feel like people don't know what to do with us anymore, like we are tainted. 

Women! Don't be afraid to share your struggles. Get support. Talking about it makes it better. Don't hold it all in.

Husbands! It is ok to cry. It is ok to not feel strong. It is ok to not be in control of everything. Hand it over to God. He will give you the strength. 

Husbands and Wives: God is mourning with you. Cry, cry, cry. Weep and mourn together. Don't bottle it up! These emotions and feeling are real and ok to be feeling all this. It hurts. This situation sucks and its stupid. But hold on to truth and surround yourselves with people who love you and care for you. Don't be afraid to ask for help. We may not know now or ever know why, but in eternity you will meet your beautiful baby! They get to be on the lap of Jesus. They will not know hurt and they will not have to ever struggle. But you will make it out of this.

This is not final.