The hardest day of my existence

There's nothing more that I want in life than to be a parent. I feel that Michelle and I both were created to be many things, and one of the biggest of them is to be parents. We have an enormous desire to have children and to adopt children and feel that God has been preparing us for it for so long.

So what makes more sense than to try and have babies?!?! We had been trying to get pregnant for a few months and with nothing happening we were starting to get discouraged and started thinking that maybe something was wrong.

Amidst our doubt, we found out Michelle was pregnant on February 2nd and it was one of the happiest days of my life. I just wanted to tell everyone I knew. There was such joy during the next two months while we planned and dreamed about the day we'd meet our child.
During this time we prayed about the kind of parents God wanted us to be, the things we felt were important and just exactly what it means to bring life into this world. We don't know for sure, but I felt The Lord saying that it was going to be a girl. Everything was perfect. March 18th was our first appointment at around 10-12 weeks. We were ecstatic to finally be able to know that it was real and see our baby and hear her heart beat. I had never been so excited about anything in my life.

During the ultrasound the doctor started asking strange questions, and at that moment my heart may have stopped for a second. She said that there was a definite pregnancy but the amniotic sac was misshapen, and what we were seeing was abnormal for 10-12 weeks. there was no heartbeat.

We were in absolute shock, it was like we had walked into oncoming traffic. There were no signs that anything could have been wrong, how could anything be wrong??? We left that appointment feeling confused and crushed at the idea that something like this could be happening. We spent the next two weeks surrounded by our friends and family, praying for a miracle, hoping and thinking the best. This has to be some kind of mistake, a miscalculation. We had a second appointment April 1st to see the outcome.

We went into it very hopeful, knowing that things would be normal. This is it, we get a yes or a no. Never have I felt more nervous about something in my entire life. Each second on the clock was like an eternity waiting for the doctor. The doctor gave us no hope, I suppose to try and prepare us for the worst. The ultrasound showed the same as last, no heartbeat, and this time she saw the beginning stages of a miscarriage. A failed pregnancy. She informed us of our options, wanted an answer on the spot, then swiftly left the room, emotionless. Further deepening our feelings towards doctors.

There are no words to describe the variety of emotions that hit you all at one time in a situation like that. The first few days were an absolute mess. We couldn't do a thing. The thoughts start creeping in and you start thinking lies like "maybe this is my fault" "maybe God thinks I'm not ready to be a parent so He kept this child from us" "maybe this is some kind of payment for something I did wrong". All lies.

Thanks be to God that we have the people in our lives that we do. We have been nothing but loved and cared for in this time of trial and are standing strong on Gods promises.

On April 17th, 2013 we got to say hello, and goodbye to our baby girl Penelope. Michelle was in incredible pain for 3 days and had some contractions that led to, in essence, the birth of an amniotic sac with our tiny 12 week old baby inside. What do you say? What do you do? All the sudden it's 1000 x's more real and tangible than before. I have never felt true sorrow until now. We decided to name her Penelope. It was the first and only name we had and came to Michelle before we had even gotten pregnant. We spent the rest of the day in tears, talking about what she would have been like, the things she would have done.

We will never know her this side of eternity, but we know that there is blessing in the midst of anguish. Joy in the midst of sorrow. We may never be able to understand why things like this happen, but we have faith that it is Gods perfect will and in our best interest. And we have joy knowing that she is in the hands of our creator.

This isn't a secret. It's something that we want to talk about. Not ashamed of. Something we want to help others through. We've learned that this is an incredibly common occurrence...that no one seems to be ok with discussing. We talked to so many people that have gone through the same exact thing and had no idea that they had. If that's you we encourage you to share it, live it, let yourself be loved and surrounded by people that care. Don't just try to forget about it and move on. God puts us through these things for a reason and to not learn from or use your experience for good would be disappointing. That being said we have been and need to continue to be surrounded with love, prayers and encouragement and appreciate from the bottom of our hearts all of your support. This is not the end of our story, we are blessed beyond our comprehension and would love to talk with you about any or all of this.