2013 in Review

I can't even believe it's 2014! I know everyone says that, and I really do say that every year... 2013 was an eventful year for us! Lots of up and downs, big events and life changes both expected and not. Here's a review: (not in order)

-We started January 2013 off praying for a baby :)
-Little did we know was that in January we conceived our first baby, Penny!
-In 2013 we conceived our first 2 children, and still don't have a baby to hold! (yet)
-On April 17th we Penny was born
-Throughout the year we learned what it looked like after you lose a child, how you trust God, and how you are happy again

-We (pretty much) finished re-doing our house. Projects we conquered in 2013 were... the kitchen cabinets getting repainted, the counter and floor getting painted, the extra bedroom carpet tear-out and getting painted, our headboard, our living room/dining room/entry way paint, this also entailed all the base boards and trim throughout the house pretty much

-We found a new home for our dog Marley
-We had (i think) 3 (maybe 4) roomates
-I started my own business with Thirty One gifts
-Jordan got a motorcycle
-We paid off my car
-I went to Thirty One's national conference in Atlanta, Georgia (For FREE I might add)
-Jordan lifted lots of weights

-Jordan completed Fire school! Woohoo!

-I added a new garden bed for vegetables and re-did the gardens around the house
-We went on a week long trip to Gatlinburg, TN with our good friends Nikie and Drew

-I went to 1 silent weekend and didn't speak a word for the the whole weekend

-Jordan and I both started new job this year-him at a hospital doing 911 calls for that area and me and a college, interpreting
-Jordan has his picture in a local newspaper!

-We made the switch to all homemade laundry soap
-We went on lots of hikes
-I made lots of gifts and crafts

-We went to the most weddings this year compared to any other year!
-We celebrated 2 years by eating at the restaurant that catered our wedding
-I've been pregnant the entire year besides 2 months. I'm finishing the year off at 27 weeks pregnant with Raegan.
-We grew stronger in our faith
-We learned to love each other better- and are still trying to be the best husband and the best wife to one another

:)

Pregnancy after Miscarriage

This was really way harder than I expected. It is still hard to put all of those/these feeling into words but I do want to write about it and this is something I could put off forever.

Losing Penny was definitely one of the hardest things we've been through. But after it's all said and done I know that I felt God's presence and comfort all around us.

I found out I was pregnant again on August 8th. I was happy, please don't hear that I wasn't. But i was feeling really unsure. I did not know how I felt, I felt nervous and unsure. I was really feeling like I could not let myself get attached to this baby in fear of losing this one too. I felt like everyone needed to just pray constantly for the entire 9 months so that nothing bad could happen, but at the same exact time I didn't want to tell a single sole. Because telling someone would entail them most likely them being super excited! And well...I just wasn't there yet.

We did tell our close friends and family. I have mentioned this before but we have never wanted to do the whole wait 12 weeks things to tell anyone so you are sure everything will go ok. We tell people so that they can pray for us and stand with us no matter what happens. I would rather tell someone early and that person celebrate with us. and if it comes to it they can also mourn with us. I don't like never getting to celebrate a life. I see both sides especially after losing a baby. But bottom line I think every life deserves to be celebrated.

At first I set up a safety net for myself. I said after we go to the Dr. (usually around 10ish weeks) and see everything going smoothly then I can be excited. We had our first dr.'s appt set and we were going to see a midwife this time. Fear had a grip on my life that I've never experienced any other time. I was completely and utterly terrified to go. I could only think of all the what ifs.... what if this pregnancy doesn't work out? What if we lose this baby too? God, please see my heart! God, I can NOT do this again! The enemy had a hold of my heart and I couldn't get free. The night before I was just being awful to Jordan. He finally asked if I was worried about the next day and I broke down I think I cried the whole night, and couldn't sleep and continued into the next day. I felt so scared.

If anyone has ever experienced anything like this I am sure you can understand that fear. But I don't want you to focus on the fear. Fear is straight from the enemy. Trust God. He does know your heart!

The Lord is my light and my salvation-

Whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life-

of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:1

Just remind yourself, and when you can't even listen to yourself or can't even say the words, have people around you to remind you of truth. We had friends reminding us of this daily. But you have to let them in. The enemies voice only gets louder when you isolate yourself. Let your friends and your husband in to remind you of what is true. 

Pregnancy after losing a child is hard. I'm not here to tell you it's not, but you will make it. Hold on to hope. Hold onto God's righteousness and goodness. Hold on to eternity because there will get to be with our God and our babies. 

And our story is turning out to be good :) This babe is healthy and active and moving around. But no matter how your story is unfolding God already know the outcome. Try not to worry. We gain nothing from worrying, and this life seems so so long sometimes but it's not. You'll make it! 

Holy Ghost Stories

We are so excited for this baby, I really can't put it into words. At first my heart was so hesitant to get connected to this baby. Getting pregnant after losing a baby...that really came with a whole whirl wind of emotions. I am going to blog about this more but I'm still working all that out :)

But even while we were still unsure the Holy Sprit really was assuring us of this pregnancy. I don't know if you have ever had God speak to you through someone else be it a friend or a stranger but it's pretty awesome and impactful.

Before we even shared with our friends and our life group He had spoken to our leaders and friends. It really helped to put me at peace. And she has an awesome blog so before I give it all away head over there and read the whole story!!   Click here to head to Colleen's blog!  :)

Almost 19 weeks

I am almost 19 weeks! Its crazy how fast the time has really flown by! This is what's been up:

• We had a ultra sound yesterday!
• The babe is beautiful and perfect, moving all around and hard to get pictures of!
• The nurse said we had a real handful and Jordan is sure she called our baby a nut case (I'm not sure she really said that lol)
• Until we saw the baby again I was still in denial of actually having a baby.
• Even if I don't want to admit it, I really thought I was just getting fat
• Every time I look down, I'm like Whoa! It surprises me how different my body is looking
• There is nothing I really want to eat, nothing really sounds good, and I really really don't want to eat anything I've cooked myself.
• Jordan is amazing and everyday I just get so excited thinking about what a great Dad he is :)
• I officially don't fit into any of my pants, but most of my shirts are looking good especially if I didn't think they were flattering before I was pregnant now they look cute again since it's cool to show off your belly when your pregnant!
• I really hate people touching my belly, and I don't particularly want to talk to anyone about pregnacny related things
• I feel stressed out about our insurance- pretty much everything about it because I don't like the hospitals and dr.s that are covered and the ones I do like will cost a fortune to go to because of Jordan's employer
• I am feeling great a bit tired but over all really great :)

Here are some more fun things that I am liking :)

I am really loving all the colors and the fun things like hot air balloons and the bunting :)

I like the green dresser

And we have grey walls in the baby's future room similar to the bottom picture

My solution for our country's debt problem

Ok, so I should tell you that I sometimes think about things and come up with theories about them. Sometimes I just play out different scenarios and see how they would span out in my head. I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this! I sometimes tell Jordan my theories and he most of the time just tells me I'm crazy. And to be honest some  most of these said theories are pretty cooky.

My latest one is a good one though, so good that I wanted to tell you about it :)

Also, another disclaimer, I am my no means an expert when it comes to government things. I've taken a few gov. classes and watched several documentaries and they really interest me but still...

Our government is in debt, like drowning in debt. It's crazy! I was thinking about that, and just trying to think of why, and also trying to be a super hero and think of how to fix it, ya know as if that's not what we elect people for. So here are my grand thoughts:

Who is making our budget? Politicians. Right, so that's great. What's wrong with that? Politicians are rich!! So rich that I would be pretty confident betting that they have never had to actually make and stick to a budget in their home life. So how do we expect them to make and stick to a budget when it pertains to our country's money? Obviously we can't.

My solution: We need someone with experience in the field, who is great at cleaning up messes, great at picking up after people and pulling it all together by the time the days through. Someone who can't just give up and close up shop. Someone who can't give up when the crap has literally hit the fan. We need to get a couponing, money savvy, penny pinching mom in there. I know some pretty awesome stay at home moms who run a pretty tight ship in their homesteads. And make it work on some pretty tight budgets. Since we can't just print more money to get us out of debt this is the only solution.

The problem, you need to have some mad cash to get into offices like that. I can still wish though...

Changing of seasons

This season has been busy yet slow, filled with friends yet lonely, fulfilling yet I still feel unfulfilled.

It's really been strange, and honestly I don't think I could even process it while going through it. Have you had times like that? that you're just sort of gliding through life and all of a sudden you look back and you're like hey, wait a minute where'd all that time, money, energy, summer... go? ya, it's been like that.

Recently, another couple we're friends with lost their baby. Gosh, I have cried for others before. Like I'm sad when people die, or when you have a hard time I really am saddened for you. But I really wept for them, it was just still so fresh for us that my heart physically hurt for her. I know they had been trying, and trusting God for his perfect timing. And when you are truly trusting like I believe they are, idk but it's just so so hard to lose that baby. Lose what you had imagined. Lose all those dreams and hopes and goals you had for that little one. We have to keep in mind God's ways are higher than ours, He is ALL knowing. He knows the beginning the middle and the end! We get to view this glimpse, but theres just no way to understand his ways. That's ok too. Thankfully we have a loving Father in heaven and our babies never have to know the hurt of this world, their first sight was Jesus! How precious is that, and sometimes when this life feels like forever we just have to remind ourselves we will see our babies again after we meet Jesus and we will get to spend eternity with them :)

I was so thankful to be able to talk to her, and hopefully comfort her in a tiny way. People around me who were real with me, and honest, and open. they really helped me, I'm glad I could do what others did for me, for her.

 I think we have taken this time to mourn Penny and figure out how to be happy again. It sounds silly maybe, but it takes some readjusting. We've taken this time to see how to miss her, but to still live. We haven't got it all figured out yet, but it does get better. Just like I was sharing with my friend it feels so final sometimes, like you cannot see the end of this hurting. But then it gets better, it really does. I am so ready for Fall to be here! One, it's my favorite season but I'm ready for the change of pace. I think it renewing to me for the earth to also be changing as I feel like I'm changing. I'm ready to settle into the new norms and all that comes with fall :) 

Miscarriage Sucks. Part 2: Our daughter Penny.

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life.

I had no idea, it straight up blind sided me. It swooped in and took everything out of me.

Lord, I need you right now.This scripture has been on my heart, I wrote it to put in my house, I also sent it to a friend and then today my lovely sister in law sent it to me too

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

I decided to have a natural miscarriage at home.

What I thought was going to happen:

I thought it was going to be like an intense period

I knew stuff would be coming out, I knew I would see bit and pieces of the amniotic sac, tissue,                clots, blood, baby parts
Semi intense cramping
If it didn't start on its own, I would need medicine
Some women who are farther along deliver, and may even see the baby

What actually happened:

It started like a period
Day 2: I started having serious cramping (like I would have imagined) it actually kept me awake through the night

If that had gone on loner I seriously would have made the Dr. give me some pain meds
Day 3: I was still having intense cramping and bleeding. But by mid day it was different and worse. I came home from the store crying. I laid in bed for several hours. It felt like contractions  (not like I really know because I've never birthed a live baby) It definately was contractions I later found out. But I had NO idea that I could even have contractions when I was having a miscarriage.

My contractions lasted about a minute and were a few minutes apart. I don't know exactly the times.

My water broke.

It hurt so bad. Seriously, I was rolling around the bathroom floor.

I delivered the entire amniotic sac. 

In the sac was our baby.

After all that, I felt so much relief not emotionally or spiritually I'm strictly saying physical relief. Like I would imagine you feel when you push your live baby out and get to hold him or her for the first time.

I had to push out lots of other tissue and clots.

It was a serious mess.

I bled for 2 weeks straight.

Why am I writing this?

I am writing this for many reasons. I am writing this because I had no idea what was happening to me. I felt prepared (as prepared as I could be) to birth a child when the time came. I have read countless books and blogs about child birth. Both the celebrations and the disgusting details. If I hadn't found blogs while I was rolling around on the floor, I sorta thought I was dying, I wouldn't have had a clue what was happening to me. Blogs have seriously helped me through this process. I have seen other peoples raw emotion, what they were going through and what they were feeling. I read about couples and their stories both Godly people and not spiritual at all. I don't know how I could have made it through this without with strength, power, grace, and love of God. But that's for another day.

Ladies, if you have had a miscarriage. There is NOTHING you can do or could have done to change it. God is not getting back you or punishing you for something you have done. God is a God of love, and mercy, he does not "get back" at people, nothing surprises him. And as much as this all  sucks and it hurts. We can rest assured, our baby is sitting on the lap of Jesus. Our baby never had to feel the hurt and struggle through this broken world. If you have had a friend who has had a miscarriage, hug her. Love her, tell her you love her baby and that you can't wait to meet him or her in heaven.

I do not understand why miscarriage is something we never talk about. It happens so often! Why don't we tell each other and dream together and cry and mourn together. There is nothing to be ashamed of. So we are writing our story, our story of our daughter Penny, so that people can know her beautiful name! And so that this is something we can bring into the light. The other night I was talking to a lady close to me and while we were talking and I asked her why she thought we don't talk about miscarriage and this is the answer I have got from her and so many people. They say "its personal" "people don't want to intrude". And ya know, I get it but isn't Cancer personal? Isn't birth personal, yet I have read and heard of many stories telling me how she ripped all the way to her butt hole. Isn't losing a family member personal? Isn't losing a child at any age personal? 

Yes! They all are!! But we still talk about them.

We had a baby, a baby girl, we haven't met her yet. We haven't got to hold her in our arms yet, or kiss her. Her name is Penny. She is with Jesus. She sits on God's lap and plays at His feet.

Don't be afraid to talk about miscarriage. Its real. It's real hurt. It's real loss.

And with all that we need real friends. We need real family. We need real prayer. 

And we need a real God to carry us through all of this. He will. And He does, all you have to do is ask.

Miscarriage Sucks.

We were pregnant. We had a miscarriage.

We have had so so many emotions. It felt really surreal and it sort of still does. The dr. was really stoic, she didn't really say much she said its not our fault, thers nothing we could have done to prevent this, it happens to 1 in 5 pregnancies. that is 20%, yes twenty percent .

One thing that has been on my mind in the days that have followed is if it happens to so so many women. Then why is this something we don't talk about? Why is this a battle we choose to fight on our own, in hiding and not have support?

Prior to getting pregnant and in the weeks that we have known we obviously were ecstatic! So so excited to have a baby! I wrote an earlier blog all about that. But one thing we talked about before all of this was telling people, we know that the "thing" to do is wait. Wait until you are in your 2nd trimester, wait until you see your baby is healthy and normal and growing. Wait and bottle up all of that excitement and joy and everything! We know and have lots of friends who went this route, the route is great and one is not better than the other by any means. We decided that we were going to tell people, tell our friends and our family the good news! We found out we were prego on Feb 2nd. At that time we thought we were about 4 weeks along. I honesty do not know how couples decide to not tell for so long! Within 2 hours we had asked our best friends to breakfast and shared with them lol

We decided not to wait to tell people for many reasons, and this is something I think God led us to because I am so so happy we have had support though this process. Our thoughts were that no matter what happened we would want peoples support and prayers. We wanted prayers for a healthy and successful pregnancy, once we found out things were not looking right we asked for prayers of healing and believing for a miracle, and now we have asked for prayers for Gods peace to be over and also just friends to help us process and mourn the loss of our baby.

Miscarriage.

When I heard and found out this would be our reality I didn't even know what that looked like or even meant. I felt like it was another thing being added to our story. But what does miscarriage look like??

I'm still learning but this is what is going on: 

For us our pregnancy made it to the right spot, we saw the baby in my uterus. The baby was growing, there was an amniotic sac all that...

At about 10 weeks we found out that there was indeed a pregnancy, but things did not look "right" we saw the baby but we also saw that the amniotic sac was mis-shappen and "wrinkled". The amniotic sac for a perfect pregnancy is supposed to be perfect and round.

For 2 weeks we prayed, we prayed for a miricle, for healing, for God's grace and that His will be done.

When I would have been 12 weeks we went back to the dr. we had another ultra sound. We saw that we would be having a miscarriage. We saw the amniotic sac was disconnecting from the wall of my uterus.

We had a few options:

-Schedule a DNC which is where they go in and scrape out your uterus. 

-Let me body naturally take care of it, this means passing everything. Its like having a period but not really a period because you are passing your pregnancy and everything that was in there like the amniotic sac, the placenta, whatever there was of a baby. It hurts.

-You can also get medicine to induce miscarriage. We haven't done this but its something I am praying against, Im praying that my body does everything naturally. With the medicine it makes it more painful.

We are trying to let my body take care of it naturally. I have not started bleeding. I am dreading and scared of that day and that moment. If it doesn't start there is a possibility that I would have to get that medicine. Even after all that theres a chance I'd still have to get a DNC if everything is not out.

This process hurts, its completely heartbreaking. I feel no different, I wish there was a sign that I could have known this was coming. Everytime I have a cramp I am reminded of what is to come, every time I go to the bathroom I am scared of what I might find.

But listen people and friends. We are still normal, we are still Jordan and Michelle. We still cherish our friends and our relationships. We are not going into hiding. Don't be afraid to ask questions, we won't be mad or hurt. Talk to us like we're normal people. It sounds crazy but it sometimes feel like people don't know what to do with us anymore, like we are tainted. 

Women! Don't be afraid to share your struggles. Get support. Talking about it makes it better. Don't hold it all in.

Husbands! It is ok to cry. It is ok to not feel strong. It is ok to not be in control of everything. Hand it over to God. He will give you the strength. 

Husbands and Wives: God is mourning with you. Cry, cry, cry. Weep and mourn together. Don't bottle it up! These emotions and feeling are real and ok to be feeling all this. It hurts. This situation sucks and its stupid. But hold on to truth and surround yourselves with people who love you and care for you. Don't be afraid to ask for help. We may not know now or ever know why, but in eternity you will meet your beautiful baby! They get to be on the lap of Jesus. They will not know hurt and they will not have to ever struggle. But you will make it out of this.

This is not final.

We are pregnant! Wait, we are pregnant?

So yes! You read that correctly we are having a baby!

 I feel so lucky, blessed. ecstatic, dumbfounded, honored, that our God, the Lord of the universe would allow us to shepherd one of His children.

We went to the dr. for the first time on March 18th. It was a monday, that morning we were feeling excited and in a sort of awe that we were going to the doctor because we were having a baby! Completely unbelievable.

So we go in, they were really sweet. The doctor was really nice. She was wearing like fancier clothes than I would imagine a dr. should wear to work. She didn't have a white doctor coat on. Her hair was blond and curled. Is it odd that I remember all that? Maybe one day when I tell my sweet baby this story, they'll think it's cute their mom rembered. Nah probably not, they'll probably just think their mom is crazy.

We went through all the questions and whatnot, and she was going to do an ultra sound. She asked me if I've had any complication? No. Any bleeding? No. She's looking at the screen. Idk what she looked like I was just feeling violated and awkward because she was doing an internal ultra sound. She asked again if I've had any bleeding. No. When was your last period? Christmas. Are you sure? Yes, I remember because I wanted to be pregnant by then and imagined all these cute ways of telling our families. I'm sure it was Christmas. I honestly didn't think of thing of this until later when I was rethinking how that whole thing went down. She turned the screen for me to see, she explained really sweetly that she was expecting me to be 10-12 weeks and what we should be looking at. Then explained thats not what we were looking at. She showed me the wrinkled amniotic sac. She showed me how she couldn't see a 10-12 week old baby. Then showed me she saw something small.

I had been preparing myself for this moment. I thought through my head many times what I would do, say, act like if the dr. told us bad news at our appointment. All I could think was, God is in control. God is good, His ways are above ours. He answered a prayer with this baby.

I looked at Jordan. He does not think through ridiculous scenarios like I do. He had not gone over in his head what he would act like. He looked so pale. He looked scared.

I just said ok to the dr like what she had said didn't even phase me.She explained that if we really were 10-12 weeks that things have gone wrong. Maybe my body just didn't know yet. Or there was a possibility that our calculations were wrong, maybe I ovulated late. It was a long shot but maybe I was only 6-8 weeks pregnant. I don't know if she really was but I just felt like she was staring at the cross necklace around my neck. Did she too think I was going crazy, or expected this, or did she know that I just trusted God. That He could get us through this.

We got blood work done, and planned to come back in 2 weeks.

Jordan didn't say a word. We walked out, and got into the elevator. I know that look he had on his face. I asked him how he was and he just said he was processing. I said everything was going to be fine. We talked about how I had found out 6 weeks ago that I was pregnant that I obviously had to be before that day for the test to be positive. We got in the car, and started driving. As I stared out the window I just started crying. Crying because I was just sad, and mad and confused. Crying just because we don't know and wouldn't know for 2 more weeks. Crying because I hate when Jordan feels and looks like that. Crying because even though I trust in God I couldn't do a thing about this stupid situation. I felt like I didn't want to tell a single soul that this was my situation and if I told anyone I would just start crying.

We went to lunch with our friends, and helped them with their car. We shared briefly what had happened, I was thankful they were praying with us. I wanted to be surrounded in prayer, but I didn't want to tell anyone. We were busy the whole day right after that we decided to go to our small group that night. Our good friends who lead had a similar situation with their daughter, when their sac was misshapen their doctor even advised to abort. And now they have a beautiful and perfect daughter. I was so thankful for them, for their experience and for their love. They said it was ok to cry, I was already crying but Jordan started to cry and that made me weep. I felt bad for making him be strong that whole day. The whole day when I was crying I didn't even think to comfort him. Our friends prayed over us, cried with us. We stood together believing for a miracle and trusting our heavenly father. Our group prayed over us and our baby.

We are praying for healing and believing for a miricle. We believe that we are in God's hands, he already knows the outcome. We feel His peace and outpouring love. We are standing in faith that he has created this baby and knows him or her, we pray that His will be done. That in a few months we too are holding a beautiful perfect baby. We are praying that in 2 weeks when we go back that the sac is perfectly round and that there is a healthy baby growing inside my womb.

**Obviously I did not post this right away, this was written on May 19th. You can now read the rest of our story in other posts

The hardest day of my existence

There's nothing more that I want in life than to be a parent. I feel that Michelle and I both were created to be many things, and one of the biggest of them is to be parents. We have an enormous desire to have children and to adopt children and feel that God has been preparing us for it for so long.

So what makes more sense than to try and have babies?!?! We had been trying to get pregnant for a few months and with nothing happening we were starting to get discouraged and started thinking that maybe something was wrong.

Amidst our doubt, we found out Michelle was pregnant on February 2nd and it was one of the happiest days of my life. I just wanted to tell everyone I knew. There was such joy during the next two months while we planned and dreamed about the day we'd meet our child.
During this time we prayed about the kind of parents God wanted us to be, the things we felt were important and just exactly what it means to bring life into this world. We don't know for sure, but I felt The Lord saying that it was going to be a girl. Everything was perfect. March 18th was our first appointment at around 10-12 weeks. We were ecstatic to finally be able to know that it was real and see our baby and hear her heart beat. I had never been so excited about anything in my life.

During the ultrasound the doctor started asking strange questions, and at that moment my heart may have stopped for a second. She said that there was a definite pregnancy but the amniotic sac was misshapen, and what we were seeing was abnormal for 10-12 weeks. there was no heartbeat.

We were in absolute shock, it was like we had walked into oncoming traffic. There were no signs that anything could have been wrong, how could anything be wrong??? We left that appointment feeling confused and crushed at the idea that something like this could be happening. We spent the next two weeks surrounded by our friends and family, praying for a miracle, hoping and thinking the best. This has to be some kind of mistake, a miscalculation. We had a second appointment April 1st to see the outcome.

We went into it very hopeful, knowing that things would be normal. This is it, we get a yes or a no. Never have I felt more nervous about something in my entire life. Each second on the clock was like an eternity waiting for the doctor. The doctor gave us no hope, I suppose to try and prepare us for the worst. The ultrasound showed the same as last, no heartbeat, and this time she saw the beginning stages of a miscarriage. A failed pregnancy. She informed us of our options, wanted an answer on the spot, then swiftly left the room, emotionless. Further deepening our feelings towards doctors.

There are no words to describe the variety of emotions that hit you all at one time in a situation like that. The first few days were an absolute mess. We couldn't do a thing. The thoughts start creeping in and you start thinking lies like "maybe this is my fault" "maybe God thinks I'm not ready to be a parent so He kept this child from us" "maybe this is some kind of payment for something I did wrong". All lies.

Thanks be to God that we have the people in our lives that we do. We have been nothing but loved and cared for in this time of trial and are standing strong on Gods promises.

On April 17th, 2013 we got to say hello, and goodbye to our baby girl Penelope. Michelle was in incredible pain for 3 days and had some contractions that led to, in essence, the birth of an amniotic sac with our tiny 12 week old baby inside. What do you say? What do you do? All the sudden it's 1000 x's more real and tangible than before. I have never felt true sorrow until now. We decided to name her Penelope. It was the first and only name we had and came to Michelle before we had even gotten pregnant. We spent the rest of the day in tears, talking about what she would have been like, the things she would have done.

We will never know her this side of eternity, but we know that there is blessing in the midst of anguish. Joy in the midst of sorrow. We may never be able to understand why things like this happen, but we have faith that it is Gods perfect will and in our best interest. And we have joy knowing that she is in the hands of our creator.

This isn't a secret. It's something that we want to talk about. Not ashamed of. Something we want to help others through. We've learned that this is an incredibly common occurrence...that no one seems to be ok with discussing. We talked to so many people that have gone through the same exact thing and had no idea that they had. If that's you we encourage you to share it, live it, let yourself be loved and surrounded by people that care. Don't just try to forget about it and move on. God puts us through these things for a reason and to not learn from or use your experience for good would be disappointing. That being said we have been and need to continue to be surrounded with love, prayers and encouragement and appreciate from the bottom of our hearts all of your support. This is not the end of our story, we are blessed beyond our comprehension and would love to talk with you about any or all of this.

Happy birthday to the most incredible human being there is

Michelle,
Where do I start???
I couldn't imagine life without you. You've changed me so much. You help me be the very best person that I can be. You help me realize and prioritize what's important in life, and have shared, supported and developed so many incredible passions in my life. You view the world and people so preciously and have the best perspectives on life.
I love the way you smile in any given situation.
I love being silly with you.
I love seeing your joy even when things are less than perfect.
I love your whole hearted trust and support. That no matter what I want to do you're always behind me without a question.
I love your spirit.
I love your passion for people and community.
I love that you challenge me to do things that I wouldn't do on my own.
I love that you give me freedom and really understand my needs.
Four years ago had someone told me how this was going to play out, there's no way in the world I would have believed it.
What a past year it has been. Let me just say it could have gone so much smoother and been so much easier...but I wouldn't give anything in the world to have it any other way. How much we've grown and grown up. You truly are a mirror of Gods love and peace. The memories we've made, good and bad, have shaped me into the man that I am today. I couldn't be more grateful to have you in my life. You are exactly the woman that you were created to be. The strongest girl I have ever known. And being able to share this journey, these experiences and this life with you is beyond an honor. We will go on to do a ton of awesome things, have tons of kids, and lots of friends. But I can honestly say that if the world ended tomorrow, the short time I was able to spend with you would be better than any alternative I could have ever lived on this planet. I love you with everything that I have. Happy birthday!

Jordan

No more new clothes!

That's right people, I am not going to buy any more new clothes.

In fact, Jordan's on board too. I grew up buying used clothing and for a long time I really resented buying used things, especially clothes. Until I was in high school and got a job I had never even bought anything from the mall! And of course like most unruly teenagers I went off the deep end and bought everything new and from the mall, heck at that time why not? I didn't have any bills

And now, ya know, we could buy all new clothes if we really wanted, but we don't want to! Why? Because used clothes can be just as nice as the new clothes, and literally for a fraction of the price! We buy alot of used clothes now anyways so it won't be a huge change, more of a decision.

Look at this! Recently, I needed some new pants, I looked at some stores like Plato's closet and clothes mentor but I couldn't find anything and everything was more expensive than I was willing to pay. Soo, I went to salvation army. And I got ALL of this for $30. Where else can you do that? I got 2 pairs of pants, a dress, a skirt, a sweatshirt, and 2 shirts. Everything was gently used, most of the items were even from stores I would never even go into because they're out of my price range, and that sweatshirt even had the tag still on it, from J Crew!

I know not everyone is really into the idea of thrifting, but hey, try it out! What do you have to lose? Before you go out, here's some tips:

• Go when you have some time, you don't want to be rushed!
• You have to be willing to search through alot of crap to find the good stuff
• Check out the thrift stores in wealthier neighborhoods, if people have money they give away more expensive stuff and the opposite is true as well if people don't have alot of money they're not going to donate expensive things.
• Many thrift and resale stores have half of days, check 'em out!
• You most likely won't find what you're looking for the 1st time, but look around, and go back! Since everything is donated it changes all the time.
• Don't be afraid to try!

All you thrifters out there, what are some tips of the trade you go by?

Totally Jam packed Crazy Busy

This week has been totally jam packed crazy busy everyday.

I'll start from the end of last week, it seemed like it couldn't be just last week because it seems like a month ago but in fact it is true.

Last Friday we went down to Columbus to help my bro and sis in law move, I actaully love unpacking and arranging so that was good :) It was also really great to spend some time with them.

Then the next night we got to watch our two nephews! They're awesome and adorable and great! Lucky for us Jordan's other brother and sister in law went to a wedding and we got to hang out with the kiddos!

Sunday we really wanted to see his brother lead worship, and check out their church but we just couldn't squeeze it in. Hopefully soon though! We had to drive back home that morning to help a couple move into our house! It was exciting, but some unsureness too

Jordan overall knows the guy better, me and the girl have hung out a few times. But both of us had been praying about this situation and totally felt like God was bringing it on, that he was in control. Also, just like a month prior we almost had a different person move in but then they backed out, so it was perfect timing! As God's timing usually is :)

Then monday though wednesday were filled with getting used to eachother, each of our routines, our habits and and getting to know eachother more! And throw in 3 people working full time, shananigans of the men in the house, Marley our dog being sick, 4 cats rather than 2, me babysitting waay more than I have been and we finally arrive at thursday. Man, only thrusday

Thursday was pretty much the dumbest day I have experianced in a long time. It wasn't anyones fault nor could it be pinpointed to one instance but it wasn't that cool. Here's what was happening. In the morning I was trying to do some last minute preparations for my friends baby shower that's coming up. But before I could begin that I took our dog and another dog that stayed the night outside. My dog didn't listen and ran away. I looked for 20 min. before I had to go in and get ready. I had to take a little girl I babysit to soccer, so i really had to go. Then as I was walking out my dog comes walking up the driveway Soaking wet! So I locked him in the bathroom. And after soccer came to bathe him then leave for the store. My one housemate I think thought I was loosing my marbles when she saw me that morning. Then I had to pick up my friend's 3 year old that I volunteered to watch because her and her hubby have an infant and have had their hands full so they needed some stress free or less stress time! This boy was good, but any 3 year old isn't going o be good for very long in 94 degree humid heat when we need to walk through 2 more stores and there are tons of goodies to touch and cry about because you can't take it home.

Finally we arrive back home, we play, I try to make food. I try to clean, despite my best efforts it looks like a tornado hit the house. We go for a walk, we make it 2 houses down before I get mad it's so hot and the kid tells me were melting! So we go buy him a bathing suit and floaties because it was so dang hot we needed to go swimming. We come back, and on top of the tornado the dumb dog was sick everywhere. Buuh! And all the crayons I had just opened were now in his piles of crap. Before I could even asses the damage I see that the boy had stepped in it, taken it upstairs on the carpet, gotten it on his clothes and all over the bathroom.

haha seriously? what the heck!! I called Jordan and started to cry because it was pretty much just too hot and smelly anywhere to think rationally. I had made a dent in cleaning but I had to go again so Jordan said he'd finish when he got home from work. Then we were off again because I had to babysit the kids I normally watch. Everyone was doing things so it was just the girl. The rest of the night was better, we swam even though I had forgotten the floaties I had bought him! Then we hung out and I drove him home.

It is finally friday!! Yesterday isn't quite comical yet, but today is better!

Our house mates are moving out on Sunday! They are moving in with a family member. I am still processing it,  This whole week and experiences have been learning experiences for all of us, we have gotten to know each other better, and we'll still see each other maybe just not in our PJs. Ultimately I know Gods in control. Only He can see the big picture and that's totally ok with me.

So who knows what next week will be like :) Ha! but it'll be great.
Thanks for listening, You're awesome if you just made it though all that :)

** Revision! Ahaha I was right when I thought there was no way it could only be a week! It has been 2 weeks! This past weekend we had a wedding that we got to help at and enjoy :) But it has been a crazy 2 weeks! 

Clearing away the clutter

Hellloo!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Monday!
Around here, I've been battling off this cold bleh, but we've got some spring cleaning done so that's awesome :)

Also, this week I put my two weeks in at work. Lately, it has been unbearable and I've really been praying about what to do... And what God is promising me is this:

That He will provide

I'm not sure exactly why, but all I do know is that I would be disobedient to stay there any longer. I graduate in two months, school right now is busy, there's lots of awesome and fun church stuff going on right now, there's lots of projects I have lined up at home.

God's clearing up there clutter and business of my life right now.

Things are going to look different with only Jordan working, but I'm pretty busy everyday with school. It's going to be a great time. I'm excited to see what this next season of life will look like for us! This is the first time I won't be working since I was 16, and the first time I'll be only a student since like beginning of high school. And soon it'll be the fist time since I was 5 that I'm not a student and the first time Jordan will know me not in school!

I was feeling unsure of what to do about work for some time, but one night after an (extremely) challenging night at work I typed up my two weeks notice. And the next day driving to work literally all I could do was sing praise. I knew I was following His will. So, I'll keep ya updated, it'll be different but God is the same and He knew all along what was going on, even when I didn't

Tragedy close to home.

This link was shared on Facebook, I cannot believe people are planning to protest this, Below is what is happening right now to protect the family and friends and show unity against the protesters   This is taken from here:    On Monday, February 27, 2012, Chardon, OH was changed forever. Pure evil walked into Chardon High School and took the lives of three students, injured two and forever changed the lives of thousands. On Saturday, March 3, 2012, evil is planning to once again enter the Chardon community. This time in the form of a "religious" organization. The Westboro Baptist Church, located in Topeka, KS, in my opinion, is a hate group. Nothing more, nothing less. The sole purpose of this group is to spread their hate of homosexuality through revolting pickets. They are notorious for picketing military funerals as well. This group believes that God is punishing America because of our acceptance of homosexuality. They firmly believe that 9/11, Katrina and the Gulf Oil spill are all acts of God. Every time an American soldier is killed, this group rejoices. Many of you have asked, "What are they planning to do?" Based on previous pickets, some of there more famous signs include, "God Hates Fags", "Thank God for 9/11", "God: USA's Terrorist", "Thank God for IED's" and many others. I am a firm believer in not saying something, and having it become untrue later. What I can tell you is the facts. The facts are this: 1: The Westboro Baptist Church is celebrating the deaths of Daniel Parmertor, Russell King, Jr. and Demetrius Hewlin. (http://blogs.sparenot.com/) 2: The Westboro Baptist Church has stated they will picket the funeral of the three children taken in the Chardon shooting. Starting with Daniel Parmertor (http://twitter.com/#!/margiejphelps) 3: This group take great joy in every death of an American soldier that is killed. (www.godhatesfags.com) 4: I have been told by multiple people that they have been spotted in the Chardon area. (Hearsay) 5: If they do arrive, they will use horrible and brutal tactics to have their message spread. 6: This group is lead by people that are EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT. They know the law and know how to use the law. Let me make one thing very clear. According the the Bill of Rights and a previous Supreme Court decision, the Westboro Baptist Church has every right to picket this funeral. It does not matter if you agree with their message or not. They are protected by the first amendment to the United States Constitution regarding freedom of speech and freedom of assembly. Guess what? So are we. The past few days has shown the true nature of the Chardon community and its surrounding communities. This tragedy has shown that we are a community that takes pride in looking out for its own. The Parmertor family is no exception. I promise that I will do everything I can to look after the Parmertor family during this horrible time. I am proud to see the countless people who agree with me. WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO: Protect the Parmertor family from this horrible and disgusting display of hate. HOW WE'RE GOING TO DO IT: 1. PEACEFULLY. This is NOT a protest. This is an assembly. We are not here to show our dislike for the Westboro Baptist Church. We are not here to assault the Westboro Baptist Church. We are not here to voice our opinions on members of the Westboro Baptist Church. We are here to do everything we legally can to help the Parmertor family grieve properly, BURY THEIR SON and not have a horrible day made even worse by a group of extremists. 2. LEGALLY. I can guarantee you that some form of law enforcement will be at this funeral. You will be playing into the Westboro Baptist Church's desires if you assault any member of this organization. A lawsuit is their dream come true. 3. In a perfect world, here is how I imagine Saturday going. The Westboro Baptist Church never show's up. If that happens, our goal is complete. The Parmertor family never had to be subjected to this tasteless display. However, if they do appear, I want us to surround the front of Saint Mary's Church. We link arms, and DO NOT LET THEM PASS. We are silent the whole time. The venom spewing out of their mouths has no effect on use. We stand united as a strong unit with one goal. Keep these people as far away from the Parmertor family as possible. WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT: 1. Rain. Bring an umbrella. 2. Expect to be called a homosexual slur over 1,000 times. 3. Spit. Lots of it. 4. Shoving and other physical contact from their part. 5. A strong police presence. 6. Media. (Don't be an asshole) 7. People inciting us to use physical violence. (Stay focused) 8. Tears. Lots of them. 9. The Parmertor family being honored as best as possible. Count on that. According to Twitter, they are planning to arrive at 9am. Assume that means 8am. See you there at 7am. Wear black. Its a funeral after all. Also, try to find other parking than in the church parking lot. Let's try to leave these spots to family and friends of Danny. And above all else, remember why we're there. Not to express our feelings of this senseless group, but to protect the Parmertor family. There's a time and a place for everything. Right now it is time to look after one of our own. God Bless. ************************************************************** This will be the last thing I post on this page for a while. First of all, I can not thank everyone for their support through this whole ordeal enough. The love and support you all have shown is a testament to the true nature of people in this community. I cannot stress this enough. WE ARE NOT HERE TO PROTEST THE WBC. We are here for the family. Do not, under any circumstances, touch them. If the assault you, allow law enforcement to do their job. There will be plenty of them there. Also, don't be an idiot. If you are a CCW holder, leave your weapon at home. I'm gonna keep this short. I NEED to go to sleep soon. We will be meeting at the high school near the road that passes the football field at 6:45 am. At this time, we will go over the basics to have everyone on the same page. Communication is crucial. At approximately 7:15am, we will line up 5 to a row, arm in arm, and march down to the front of St. Mary's church as one unit in an undeniable sign of unity. If you cannot make it at this time, meet us at the church. Wear black, dress accordingly and be prepared to see and hear things that will shake you to your very core. We are member's of the proudest community on Earth. Together, we will rise to the occasion and defeat this evil. Pray for rain. See you in the AM. God Bless Chardon. The best thing we can do is pray. Join me in prayer when you read this, wherever you are whatever you're doing.  We need to intercede for this family and community. Lord, we cannot do this without you. I pray that the Chardon families feel your peace, that they know everyday the powerful peace and tranquility only You can provide during a tragedy like this. God, I pray for the walls formed around the Westburo Baptist Church members be torn down that they allow you into their hearts and spirit, Lord. I pray for the families not to even see any protesters today, that they see only the unity that this tragedy has brought. The families and the mourning students, teachers, community,that each of these people confirm in their hearts that You are the God of Gods and the Lord of Lords, the God of hope, the God of love, the God of peace and safety, not a God a hate, not a God towards hurting others. God you are so powerful. You know exactly what each of these people are feeling, we cannot do this without you. Lord, I pray for a protective barrier around each of the people that are in the human barrier. I pray circles around each person of WBC that their walls of hate come down just like the walls of Jericho, Lord. That these people are won over by You, not for evil. God I pray protection, and safety, and hope for all the people at the funeral today. I pray all these things in Jesus' name. Amen.

What's happenin'?

Hello! I haven't blogged in quite some time, honestly I'm on everyday, checkin to see if anyone else has had anything to say...but I've felt like whats going on here isn't that interested or worth documenting except  for a few things I suppose

With school and work its been difficult just holing myself afloat that I couldn't add on one more thing to think about. I am happy to say I am finally wrapping up practicum I. I'm sure you don't really know what this involves,maybe I'll touch on it later. It has been a long road, and I still have a little ways to go but the light is coming, its faint, but it there! Weeks have been long and tiring from school and practicum hours to working waay more than I usually do I'm glad I have a little bit of a lull

I have been wrestling with the idea of quitting my job, I make good money there, its conveniant having cash everyday I work rather than waiting for a paycheck, but it's totally draining, I feel like more and more I litterlly dread going to work, I come home and I just completely can't deal with it, maybe I'm missing or taking the good ones for granted , but like all the people it seams like are mean, and not really worth my time. I come home crying to Jordan so much and That's not me! But what could I do to supplement my income? Jordan works, and we'd make it work with just one income if I do quit. It would be a huge change though. For now I cut my days at work in half. Hopefully that releases some tension I'v been feeling and I'll have the breathing room I so need.

What else has been up? Ohh one Wednesday at like 8:30 I decided and finally convinced Jordan that the carpet in the Kitchen had to go! We had a great time :) and I really love the outcome

 So this is where we started.. Carpeting, beige and pink walls, border...

 Even Dumbledore was doubting us at this point. Under the carpet we found a nasty layer of adhesive tiles, Luckily they've been there for so long they weren't hard to tear up


Here you can see the carpet better, and the
pepto bismol pink we were working with



 Under the tile was a black layer that was totally workable. We decided on painting the concrete rather than putting different flooring down




 

 And we came out smiling! With a new coat a paint and new painted concrete floors...yea!

A January to remember

Hello Blogger friends!

     Signing on to do some updates and take a much needed break from adult responsibilities like keeping the house clean, taking care of all our pets, and keeping our vehicles safe to drive! Being a grown up is hard work!

Also, why do they call it "Settling down" when everything just gets more hectic and crazy than ever?! I didn't see the warning signs......

All kidding aside I absolutely love the life that I have and wouldn't want it any other way. 

     Since I posted last lots of things have happened. If you read Michelle's previous post you know that we went to visit the natural history museum. It was pretty cool and there were so many things to see. For me it was kind of like sensory overload a little bit, and if you've spent any amount of time with me you know I don't have the longest attention span. Also it was hard for me to really get into because pretty much everything there was explained as evolution. Look at this rock its 9.6 TRILLION YEARS OLD!!!!! I'm sorry but you don't know that the world is even as old as some of the stuff they are claiming. All in all it was a fun experience. 

    We spur of the moment decided to give our guest room a makeover. Michelle has been in need of a craft space and that room leaves plenty of room for activities and imaginations to run wild :) 

Marley was a big help

    

We tore up the carpet, painted the walls, and put up some swanky looking shelves...

Marley was really happy with the finished product. I'll post a picture of it sometime. (Probly not)

On monday we went to "snowdays" at Jacob's Field (I know thats technically not it's name, but you're not a true clevelander if you call it "The P"). 

It was really really fun......If I was five. (: I'm kidding. We went with our good friends Phil and Katie and it was fun doing something new and spending time with friends. They had a tubing hill about the size of your average sledding hill, but there were chutes that you stayed in like a toboggan and you weren't allowed to even spin around or anything. So that was kinda boring. Then they had "The frozen mile" which was an ice skating circle path that was pretty fun. And that's pretty much it! It would be fun to take our kids to someday.   






















Just yesterday we decided to go on a spur of the moment adventure to Columbus to visit The Scheutzow Ranch!!! We had a great time hanging out with family and seeing my nephew, he's my favorite little dude. The drive down was horrendous and a semi truck jackknifed on the highway and was blocking both lanes. It was totally worth it though. We don't need expensive, well thought out trips. As long as we're together, exploring God's great earth. We drove back this afternoon and took a nap :) Ahhh the simple things in life. 

The result of a fun couple of days

  












Until next time, let the Lord bless you and surround you in all things.